lousy ,

hell0s , back to post ..
nothing much to post about today , had enrollment service , everything was ok until you called , i'm not saying it's completely your fault , i know i'm at fault too ..

i know clearly myself , it's not moodswing anymore , i have been feeling down for way too long ..
yest was a bad day , it started out badly ..
woke up at 12 plus , you shouted at me , part of my fault ..
then at 3 plus , you scolded me for my results ..
you compared your generation's edu. standard with the current one ..
why not you try doing amath ?! or even emath ..
you said i got affected by my friends , i didn't !
though i get distracted at times , but i always make it up by studying seriously the next day !
i really studied !
i really tried ..
is it really that difficult for you to say a few words of encouragement ? i didn't even ask you to teach me , i don't need you to teach me !
i just need your encouragement ! even a ' jiayou ' will do ..
why do you always look at the negative side ?
you don't know how hurt i was , you don't see the reason i cried ..
you assumed i got affected .. i was feeling bad enough for the 2 Us , why ..
you didn't see the effort i put in , you didn't ask me how i felt about my results ..
you don't know how hard i tried , to the extend of sacrificing my health , studying even when i was sick , going to school just to attend lessons when i'm almost fainting ..
all you cared about was results ..
you didn't see how i struggled for amath , almost giving up but i didn't !
i know you have the rights to scold me , but have you ever thought of how i felt ?
i know you want the best of me , cos' you're the kind who wants to win ..
if you think you're wanting the best FOR me , you're wrong ..
you want the best OF me ..
what do you do when i fall sick ? SCOLD ! you don't even ask why ..
you scold me for coming home late , i understand .. but you don't ask why.
i hate coming home , having to hear you yell at ppl for small matters sometimes ..
you don't understand what i want and need ..
i just need your proper care and concern , not your scoldings ..
sometimes , i really want to stay away from home ..
i don't want to get affected by you , i will continue to work hard .. i'm not going to let you look down on me !

i don't know why this time round i feel so lousy ..
i'm not good enough , not good enough for everybody ..
maybe ppl would be happier if i'm not around ..
i don't like to be sad ..
but now , it feels like everything is going to crash down again ..
i don't know if i can take the weight ..
i feel like dying ..
i feel so nobody , so useless ..
maybe i should disappear , i wish i could ..
i might be smiling but i'm actually crying silently ..

just not that good .