back to square one , soon .

i have so many things to say , but i don't know where i should start from ..
just like a toddler in a shopping mall , apart from his mum and yet , don't know what is the next step to take , don't know which direction to go ..
i'm lost .. i'm confused .. i'm hurt ..
but how do i carry on from here ?
should i continue to talk to her ? should i do what i think is right ? should i just let it go ? should i just let her be ? should i ...
there are so many qns in my mind , so many uncertainties ..
i don't know what to do , i don't know how to move on ..
why do i still care ? why did i have to trust her after realising that she betrayed my trust ..
why did she have to lie to me again .. why why why ?!?
it's not some minor matter , but a serious one ..
i don't want her to go bankrupt , why does she have to support his gambling habits ?!?
haven't she learnt her lesson ? why can't she wake up ?!?
why is she so afraid of him ? why ..
what can i do now .. i feel like giving up .. where's the strong side of me ? why am i so weak now ? why did i even cry ?
how can i make her listen to me ? suicide attempts ? i'm not afraid of what might happen next ..
i'm just too hurt to carry on .. too hurt to think properly ..
maybe i should just continue to talk to her .. make her wake up .. does she understand why i cry ? i don't think so ..
i don't want to quarrel with her cos' of him ..
she doesn't know how painful it is inside of me whenever i talk to her and she treat my words like a piece of shit ..
she doesn't know that she's crushing me bit by bit everytime it happens ..
she doesn't know that all this problems are killing me .. she doesn't know that ..
why do i even want to try to help even after knowing that it would hurt me in the end ..
i have my death plan , why do i not want to carry it out now ?
i can always take the easy way out and let her clear the problems herself ..
but the main reason why i'm not carrying out my plan is because of her .. i don't want to leave her to clear all this problems herself .. i don't want her to feel sad .. i can't leave her alone ..
i've thought of leaving home , but everytime i think of her .. i come back ..
i don't want her to worry .. i can't let her suffer alone ..
but she doesn't know , she doesn't understand , she doesn't listen ..
it hurts me a lot inside , to be betrayed and lied to ..
she's frustrated , as a family , we are too ..
she feels that it's unfair , we feel it too ..
she's suffering , we are too ..
but has she really once spared a thought for us , for me ?
i can't just stand there and watch her supporting his gambling habits , and then as days pass by , she will be bankrupt ..
then , all the beatings and scoldings will start again ..
but if i stop her now , he will threaten her too ..
i guess i've found my stand once again .. i will talk to her , i will try to stop .. i will try to talk sense out of her .. but if she doesn't listen , then i guess i'll just let her be .. but by then , it'll be too late ..
my feeling was right all along ..
it's ok if it's going to hurt me real bad and crush me bit by bit when i'm talking to her or after i've talk to her .. cos' as a daughter , that's what i need to do ..
i've to stay strong , even if it doesn't work , even if it's tearing me apart .. even if it's demoralising me as each day passes by ..
i don't need her to know that i'm suffering cos' of her , i just hope she would listen to me , for once ..

if i can survive that 15 yrs , i can survive now .. it's just a matter of my perspective towards this problem ..
no matter what , smile !