a break .

hell0s ! it's been a really long time since i blogged ! hahas ..
i didn't go to school today , so i shall blog ..
well , i have not start my revision .. cos' basically , i have no time ! so i've decided i shall start revision after i stepped down , starting from 18 April ! ^^
seriously , there are tons of homework .. it's like i'm collating homework every week and no matter how early i reach home after focus study , there's not enough time to finish them all .. i even have to bring it to the weekends ! and even today , i'm doing my homework ! and i'm glad to say i've finished both sciences ~ FINALLY ~ hahas ..
well , i didn't go to school today as i'm facing some family problems currently , i really want a break from everything .. i don't feel like going to school and face all the stress .. i really need a little break from school .. just today ..
i'm slowly breaking apart again i think ? but i hope not ..
you know , those little things that everyone do or say , it affects me so much ..
i really want to stand up from where i fell , i really want to move on .. but it feels like i'm stuck and i don't know how to move on ..
i'm stuck in the past ..
it's all my own problems .. i feel like giving up on everything ..
if only things were simpler ..
i'm really tired of holding on , tired of being there for my mum , tired of having to cry silently so i won't make her worry ..
but i kept telling myself , she's afterall the main reason i held on for so long .. but i know it's not going to work anymore sooner or later ..
know what ? i'm so used to faking a smile that i've become someone who is so good at it now .. how can i be happy when the past still clings onto me wherever i go ..
how can i study when they keep quarrelling ? how can i study when i'm so worried about whatever might happen to her when i'm in sch ? but she doesn't sees it , does she ? she doesn't feel my concern for her , does she ? she doesn't feel that i'm trying to protect her from any more harm ..
she doesn't know that it aches my heart to see her cry ..
why does it feels like i'm the only one trying to help her .. why does it feels like i'm the only one who cares ..
why have i become so self-conscious ? why doesn't she see my efforts ?
this is so torturing .. i tell myself not to get affected , i numb myself from problems , i run away from problems .. but in the end , i still failed .. i still got affected .. i thought i would succeed ..
i really don't know what to do anymore .. it's making me feel like ending everything ..
i'm sorry ..

why won't you understand that i don't want to see you hurt anymore ..