sometimes , life is so tiring ..

heys ! sorry for not updating my blog for more than a week ~ have been going out a lot last week and this week will be the last week of holiday !
i doubt i can finish all my homework this holiday so i'll take the first week of sch to finish every undone homework and i'll officially start revision on the second week ! jiayous !
from the title of my post ~ it's really tiring ..
go through the same thing every now and then .. get hurt for the same reason ..
at times , i really feel like tearing everything apart , throwing it away and ending it all at once .. i feel like i'm really breaking apart , hurting myself when i'm upset .. i must be going crazy or depressed again ~
LINDA , YOU MUST STOP DOING THAT !
REMEMBER , STOP DOING THAT !
but nevertheless , i'm going to hang on .. i'm not bowing down to fate or to life .. i'm not bowing down to the problems !
sometimes , i really wonder if i can hang on so long without support from others ~ sometimes , i really feel like disappearing so ppl will start to appreciate my presence and not just throw me aside like i don't even exist !

anyway , i had lots of fun with dear last Saturday .. we went to Sentosa by cable car ! headed to the Henderson Waves and Underwater World after that ..
it's my first trip to Henderson Waves and Underwater World ~ hahas ..
i won't be going into details cos' dear will be doing so in his blog post .. so if you want to know , go to his blog ! :)
i have much more important things to talk about later on ..
but that day , i really enjoyed with him ! everything went smoothly until night time ~ shall not mention about it but i'm sorry dear ..

went out with Apples yest ! we chatted a lot , from current life to friends to relationship to homosexuals and bisexuals to marriage ~ ( hope you all don't mind that i mention the topics ! =X )
but had a really great talk , talked for long hours ~ and we only left Somerset at 9.40pm ? oh anyway we went to Cineleisure to watch " Mr Popper's Penguins " ! the movie was super awesome !! the penguins are so cute ! OMG i wish to have penguins in my hse too ! LOL ..
but after the movie , i was feeling really good ! happy happy ! =D
and before the movie , we had Pastamania ~ hahahas then went to buy gong cha after that ~
had melon tea as recommended by Jasmine ! super nice too ! =D
i like the white jelly , so chewy ! nice to eat ! LOL ok i think i sound like a kid ~ hahas ..
i had lots of fun with them , pictures are with Jasmine ~ so i'll most probably upload on fb when i get them ! ^^
hope to meet up soon ! :)

MORE IMPORTANT STUFFS ~
yest night after outing with Apples , dear sent me home and some misunderstanding happened when we were at home ..
i was unhappy with some things he do and so i told him about it .. i guess maybe my tone wasn't right which made him feel so frustrated ..
then he scolded me out of anger .. but after that , he talked to me about some stuffs which i've never ever realised in these 4yrs .. thanks for telling me dear ..
at least now i somehow know why we quarreled so often recently ..
i guess i've been treating him in a way that makes him feel like he's being ' used ' .. my hot and cold attitude towards him that i've never realised before ..
but dear , i just want you to know that i love you .. and i'll change this attitude of mine ..
maybe you're right , at the end of last yr , i decided that i've had enough .. then i became more sure that i don't want anymore of those nonsense recently ..
and anything that's unfavourable to me i'll just deny it ..
i became more clear of what i want but sometimes the decisions i make are out of impulsiveness ..
i guess this change was very sudden and it has its pros and cons ..
but whatever it is dear , i hope you can tell me more so i can know what's wrong with our relationship ..
i don't want you to keep everything to yourself , a relationship involves two ppl .. even if you think i'll be even more stress , just let me know ..
i promise i'll learn to handle the stress :)
i don't want you to feel unfair anymore , i'll really learn to be more understanding and trust you ..
i know recently some stuffs happened , you can't trust me anymore ..
we broke each other's trust .. so now i would like to build back the trust again ..
i have to stop thinking negatively , stop thinking of the conseq even before i try .. you're right , i always think of the negative conseq before i try then i end up feeling more stress ..
i guess i've never noticed this before ..
also , i hope you'll stop neglecting my feelings .. i don't want us to end .. like what i told you yest , about marriage ? i know it's too early too think about it , i still have poly life ..
but all i know is that now , you're my choice .. i just want to focus on building our relationship , making it stronger ..
it's not that i don't care about our future anymore , maybe i just don't want to think so much about it ..
actually i have no idea if we can go through this tgt , there are a lot of changes in my mindset .. i hope we can go through this tgt , yest i felt like we were ending ..
i'm still a little confused of what you've told me yest .. but anyway , i guess i have to overcome my insecurities and trust you again ..
maybe like you , sometimes i feel like i'm not needed ..
our age gap is really big , so at times there would be conflicts caused by miscommunication and misunderstanding ..
but i'm willing to go through it tgt with you , provided that you tell me what's wrong .. i don't want you to keep it all inside yourself .. the resentment will only grow and then things will start going bad ..
i don't want a situation when we have to break up cos' things are so bad that we can't handle anymore ..
anyway dear , this year is a very impt year to me , i'll be taking the O lvls which would determine where i go in future .. so i hope you can understand if i don't have much time for you .. and i hope you won't mind going to the library with me , staying there for long hours ..
O lvls will be my main focus , but i promise i'll spend time with you when i'm free ..
after O lvls , i'll spend time with you too ..
i love you dear .. for doing all you can for me all these years .. for sending me home ~ for everything :) ♥

i'm sorry ..