when life sucks ,

heys ! i'm back to post ! will be going to Bugis with Shirley and my mum later ! yays ~
i'm happy not because i don't have to do hw , but cos' i get to go out and spend more time with them ! =D
but anyway , since i have so many homework not done , i shall use the time tomorrow to complete as much as i can ! jiayous !
this few days have been doing lots of math ~ hahas ..

anyway , life sucks last night !
everything was so screwed up ! just because of him ..
what is a home to you ? isn't a home supposed to be a place where you feel safe and protected and free ?
but what do i feel ? i feel very disgusted , very scared , very insecure .. in a place i call home , i have to feel that ! in a place where i'm supposed to trust the ppl , i can't !
i have to even guard myself against them sometimes ! i'm not angry , but i just don't know why ..
but what else can i do ? other than protect myself , i can't do anything ..
the hurt is always there .. i'm always scared but what can i do ? NOTHING .
no matter how much i want to deny of the hurt i'm feeling , the insecurities inside me , i can't ..
i pretend to be ok everytime things happen .. i say i'm used to it .. i say i'm fine ..
but i'm not .. i don't know how long i would take to overcome all these .. i tried to , i really tried ..
i tried hard to fight back my emotions when i recalled of what happened all these yrs , and the largest impact is since the time i entered secondary school ..
i can remember vividly what happened , i feel very hurt , very angry ..
but i just can't continue thinking anymore .. cos' it really hurts a lot .. nothing can ever describe the pain ..
it's just feels like your heart is exploding , way painful than that ..
that look he gave , that moment he stood outside the room .. i felt like dying at that moment .. i wished i was dead , so i don't have to know that he's looking ..
i didn't know how to react , fearing that he would take more notice of me for every move i make ..
i really felt like dying , mentally .. inside me .. i felt so alone ..
just by that look .. haix .. i really don't know how long more i can hang on , it feels like i'm tearing apart again ..
it's just like the last thread of string , a very thin string .. you can't pull it if not it'll break .. you can only hold on to it gently .. take one step at a time ..
i can feel myself slowly breaking apart again .. why have i become so weak ? just by one look and it affects me so much ..
i don't need any sympathy .. i just need a listening ear .. i just need a place quiet enough to let me sort out my thinking and try to overcome this again ..
i'm afraid i would go into the near depression state again .. i hope not ..
i thought i was fine alrd , thought i was happy again ..
only until yest night then i realised i was not .. the problem is still there .. haix ..
i don't know if i can stop this from affecting me for the months to O's and during O's ..
but i still have to stay strong , isn't it ?
dying , will be my last resort .. but then dying , doesn't solves anything .. only brings more hurt to the ppl i leave behind ..
why am i always thinking for others ? i really don't know .. even when i'm broken inside , i still think for others ..
i really wish to be selfish for once .. think for myself .. disappear or die ..
i know that's really selfish .. anyway i don't think i can really bring myself to do that .. cos' i promised myself that i won't leave my mum alone to handle all these by herself ..
unless i really really can't take it anymore then i shall be a coward and take the easiest way out ..
maybe my mum is more affected than me ? i don't know .. all i know is that i have to be with her ..
i have to stop thinking of death , stop letting it affect me so much ..

what doesn't kills you makes you stronger ..
pls don't give up yet ..