insecurities ? breaking down ?


i feel like i can't take this anymore .. i got so many things to say but i don't know where to start ..
feels like i have a hell load of problems ~ every aspect of my life now ..
family , friendship , relationship ..
what's causing my overwhelming insecurities ? is it because of family ? is it because of friendship ? is it because of relationship ? or is it just me ?!????
i really feel so suffocated , i don't know what to do .. i hate doubting ppl ..


yes , i've lost faith in friendship already .. i no longer dare to commit myself in friendship ..
i don't want to be taken for granted anymore .. i am human , i have feelings !
so who are my true friends ? how do i let go of that friendship ? is it just me or is it them or is it us ? i've been asking myself this question over and over , yet to find an answer ..
what happened to us ? was it really my fault to begin with ? was it nobody's fault ?
am i being paranoid ? or is what i feel true ? am i feeling happy or sad ?
there are so many questions in my mind .. what would they think if i said it out ?
do i really want to let go ? why do i always feel left out ..


i hate everything that i'm going through now .. i know , hard times build up character ..
but it's just too much .. i feel like i can't handle it .. questions floating around unanswered ..
doubting my relationship with dear ..
doubting if he really loves me .. doubting if he really wants me .. doubting if he really will keep his promises .. doubting if he will really start to appreciate me and stop being complacent .. doubting every single thing in him .. doubting our love ..
feeling so insecure every single time .. what's wrong with me ?!?!!!!! why can't i just trust him ?
why am i feeling tired waiting ? why do i feel that i'm not important ?
why am i so paranoid nowadays ? why can't i let go of that incident last year .. why ..
i told him i'll let go of us , i'll assume he doesn't love me anymore if he continues not to appreciate me .. keeping me waiting all of the time .. is this really what i want ??


i don't know what happened to me .. i feel overwhelmed ..
there are so many things in my mind .. so many worries .. so much insecurities ..
i don't know where to turn to .. who to turn to ..
i feel like letting go everything .. cos' i don't feel wanted , i don't feel appreciated ..
i'm so tired .. tired of myself .. afraid that my insecurities will continue building up .. tired of everything .. every single thing .. but nobody understands right ?
wanting my attention , wanting me to give in , making me feel like a failure in life be it intentionally or unintentionally .. is it really just me ?
i'm tired of giving in , tired of caring so much yet being misunderstood and taken for granted .. tired of feeling like i'm really a failure in life ..
fail to handle my own problems .. family , friendship , relationship and studies .. everything ..
i know problems are my own , i can't blame it on anyone ..
i'm just tired , really really tired .. i don't want to do this anymore ..
i want to get out , i want to escape from all this ..
nobody understands how i feel , nobody understands what i'm going through ..
so what if i voice out ? would ppl even take notice ? no .. they won't ..
it's only at times when i'm down , ppl start to care for me .. yes , at least they care ..
but what i really need .. is understanding .. a listening ear .. warmth .. tell me you're there for me and really mean it ..
i no longer plan to suicide .. for now .. i don't want to .. cos' i understand it'll be so much to handle for the ppl who really care and love me .. i can't possibly die and leave them to clean up my mess .. dying is not a solution .. i know ..
but sometimes , it seems like a solution when you feel really hopeless ..
i hate myself .. for the insecurities i feel .. i wonder if i am even able to overcome all of them ..
don't tell me you're there for me when you don't mean it ..
i can no longer afford to lose trust , lose faith ..


" impossible is temporary , true hope is eternal " ..
" 10% is what happens in your life and 90% is how you react to it " ..
" there are ppl who are going to tell you that you can't , you just got to tell them ' watch me ' " ..


meaningful and true .. but it's not easy .. so negative nowadays .. it's only natural right ? but we always got to think positively .. i'm trying , trying hard .. really hard .. but it's not easy at all ..
i got to learn to overcome my insecurities , learn to trust ..
build back faith for friendship and commit myself again ? not now ..