hell0s ppl ! I'm back ! hahas ..
today off day ~ finally ! hahas .. but time seems to pass super fast ..
alrd my last few days at work and I'm shifting house on the 24th instead of 26th :)
so I'll be free on the 26th ! =D
and for the next few days of work , it's gonna be easier ! =D
recently I'm going ' crazy ' again ..
not sure if it's cos' of tiredness and frustrations or something else ..
getting upset has become a ' must ' everyday ..
I mean , I don't want to get upset too .. but I can't seem to control it ..
I get upset , I get angry , I cry , I get frustrated , I feel like dying , I hurt myself .
it feels really tough to control those negative emotions ..
it's like an adrenaline rush , something just has to spark it off .
and most of the time it happens , I'm with my boyf or gonna meet him ..
so things get really ' out of hand ' .. I throw tantrum at him , give him the shittiest attitude , push him away when he tries to come near me , walk away and many other things .
sometimes , I would even hurt myself but it just doesn't feel any better ..
the anger inside me .. I hate it a lot .. I don't know what caused it ..
I don't want to become an angry person .. I don't want to get angry over the slightest thing ..
and most of the time , it lasts for a very long time before I'm ok again ..
this is definitely not mood swing ..
everyday I hope that I wouldn't get angry and no one would spark it off ..
I feel really bad , really lousy .. sometimes I cry when I'm angry , cos' I feel so helpless ..
I'm having a hard time .. trying to find the mild-tempered me back ..
I told my boyf that I don't need him in my life , but actually I really need him ..
I need his super tight hug when I'm about to hurt myself ..
I need his strong arms to hold me when I'm gonna walk away ..
and I need him to tell me he's there for me and things will be fine ..
in the past , I used to blame the world for everything bad that has happened to me when I'm angry , I pity myself ..
but it's no longer the case now .. I blame myself and I blame the anger inside me and very often , I blame my boyf even when he has done nothing wrong ..
I really hope it's just part of growing up and nothing more ..
I force myself to smile at the customers even when I'm really frustrated , I try to be calm when I'm about to flare up at work , I smile to the staffs even when all I want to do is to mess up their things ..
but at least there are customers who understand that I'm having a hard time when a lot of ppl come to my booth , so they give me time to serve other customers then attend to them again ..
then I bring along my frustrations when I meet my boyf and vent it out on him ..
I'm really glad to have him in my life , but I'm really sorry at the same time .. for always hurting him ..
he's the only one who can handle my frustrations , shitty attitude and unreasonableness ..
I really want to get well soon .. so I won't hurt anyone any longer ..
