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| you gave me a reason to live ♥ |
I don't mind not being able to fit in anymore , I don't mind being left out anymore :)
cos' they're not worth my anger and my sorrow , they're not worth my time and attention .
I know I've a few good friends , I have my mum and my bro , I have my boyf , I have a cute pet , I have most of what I need and want , I'm satisfied :)
there's still a part of me who is angry and hurt , wanting to die .
but there's also another part of me who is determined to hang on to life , no matter how tough it gets .
I see improvement ever since I decided to let go of that friendship , though not fully yet .
I'm not as violent recently , I control myself , I hold my fists , I tell myself to calm down .
and if I can't , I cry .
I give myself reasons to live and the ppl who truly loves and cares for me are part of the reasons .
I talk to myself in my mind , I give myself reasons to live .
one of the more important reason is the future I want .
I remind myself that the problems don't kill me , but my negative thinking would .
I try my very best to stay positive but I still fail sometimes .
I still hurl vulgarities at my boyf when I'm upset and I'm really sorry and guilty .
I can't promise that there wouldn't be another time , but I promise that I'll try my best to control .
this is not who I want to be . I will change for my own sake and for the ppl who loves me :)
I tell myself that the mind doesn't control me , but I control my mind .
I can choose what to think and what not to , and now I choose not to think negatively .
I'm still trying hard to fight away the negativity , anger , hatred and hurt inside me .
I don't know how long I'll take , I don't know if these feelings will go away as time pass or they would stay with me or a little would still linger around .
all I know is , I've to stop this , I've to stop hurting myself emotionally and mentally , I've to stop hurting the ppl who loves me .
things are not going well for my boyf and I , we're currently facing some problems .
part of me wants to give up , part of me wants to stay .
but I'm now choosing to stay and fight for this relationship .
cos' I really love my boyf , I need him in my life .
he's been really understanding all these while , always being there for me whenever I need him .
after all I've went through in this 9mths , I can see that my boyf truly loves me .
and all that he has done plus this obstacle we're facing now , makes me want to cherish him a lot more .
next Sunday will be our 5th year anniversary , I haven't really prepared anything but I hope he'll like what I'm gonna give him :)
what doesn't kills you , makes you stronger ! :)
