hell0s ! it's so early and I'm blogging ~ hahas !
having KoKo Krunch while I blog ~ hahahas ..
I really wonder who reads my blog ..?
anyway my blog is viewed better in either Google Chrome or IE .. firefox ruins my text fonts ~
currently waiting for my dearest boyf to book out ! ♥
have been feeling really down recently ..
I feel upset over things that aren't supposed to upset me ..
like jobs ? I think what's important is that I enjoy the job I do and not just the pay right ?
I really want to get the job , I hope the person would call me soon ..
I looked for the job myself , applied for it myself and went for the interview myself ..
I really hope my little effort pays off .. it means a lot to me ..
cos' it's my first time working ..
just yesterday , I thought of suicide again ..
I wanted to die , lessen the burden at home , free my boyf and let go of everything ..
I'm really tired ..
tired of caring , tired of getting hurt , tired of waiting , tired of being neglected ..
for once , I really felt that life was so unfair to me ..
why when I care for ppl , they would take me for granted ?
I felt so .. dejected and abandoned ..
it felt like nobody needs me ..
ppl tell me they would be there for me when I need someone to listen , ppl tell me they won't take me for granted and appreciate me .. they tell me so many things ..
but how many of the ppl are true ? how many of the ppl mean what they said ?
I seriously feel so hurt ..
why have I become so negative ?
though I have a very nice boyf , I still don't feel loved ..
am I lacking of love or am I blinded by hurt ? I don't know ..
I always doubt him , always accuse him .. always feel insecure ..
I wouldn't be able to accept it if I found out he was two-timing me ..
I choose to trust that he wouldn't .. but sometimes I can't help but to feel insecure and doubt him again ..
as I'm blogging , I feel so confused .. what am I trying to say ?
what exactly is bothering me ? I don't even know the answer myself ..
I really really hope I will feel better soon .. I don't like being so negative ..
sometimes my mum seems to care so much for me , esp. when I told her , ' I think I am going crazy ' recently .. but sometimes when I talk to her , it seems to me that she doesn't want to listen .. I wonder if something is bothering her or is it the truth ?
I hope my boyf would give me more attention and appreciate me .. I'm sorry that I always don't feel loved .. I hope he will keep his promises .. maybe it's too early to think about our future , but I'm kind of worried ..
friendship ? I've got nothing to say I guess ?
I don't want to end up like my mum .. I don't want my future husband or even my boyf to mistreat me .. I'm afraid I would end up like her .. I have had enough of shifting of houses .. really enough ..
I guess I'm going to shift house again soon , next year ~ that will be the last time ..
I am very strict towards my boyf , like restricting him to smoke , drink and gamble cos' I know all these would definitely bring harm to his own health and his own family in future ..
I don't want a husband who gambles especially .. I don't want my children to go through the same pain as me .. it's alrd tough for me now .. I hope when I get married in the future , life will be better ..
seeing my mum going through so much hardship cos' of him , makes me more certain that I don't someone who is abusive , smokes , drinks and gambles ..
I want someone who is willing to work for our future , someone who is responsible , someone who doesn't have the character and habits I've listed ..
yest my boyf told me that he wouldn't let me suffer like my mum , that he would work hard and give me a better life ♥ was really touched when he said that ..
of cos' , I would want to earn lots of money and give my mum a better life :) be filial to her .. I guess this is the only thing I can do for her ..
I'm worried about my future , but I guess there are more important stuffs to figure out now .. so I'll leave it aside first and go back to it when the time is right ..
I have been crying a lot recently , crying to sleep ~
sometimes I just feel so neglected ..
I thought I was over it , I thought I was ok ..
books serve as references and guidance , but whether a person becomes fine after that , really depends on oneself ..
realised that I didn't really do anything to help myself ..
I kept telling myself that I will sort out my thinking after Os ..
but those things that I was fretting about doesn't seem important at all now ..
but something is still bothering me ..
I wonder if my insecurities are caused by my fear that history would repeat itself again ..
I guess I should stop here now .. if not I'll feel overwhelmed again ..
sometimes , it's just easier to give up than to stand up .
