today I woke up super early ~ 7.45am !
know why ? cos' I was called down for job interview at Northbridge Centre , Bugis area ~
recently keep going to Bugis ~ hahas ! next Monday going Bugis again , with my mummy ! ^^
long time since I really went out with her ~ hahas ~
anyway my ' going to ' will be changed to ' gonna ' .. easier to type ! LOL
I'm gonna talk about myself in this post ! then the next time I post , it will be random ~
as in not just focusing on one aspect of my life :)
ALL ABOUT ME
this year was a very bad year for me .. not cos' of family , but cos' of myself ..
so many things happened this year .. felt like there was too much for me to handle ..
overwhelmed by hurt , sadness , anger , stress ..
as compared to the past few years , I don't think of suicide as often alrd ..
but I still do have death plans .. but anyway , I'm better now :)
things got really really bad for me during Sept - October ..
I seriously felt like I was going crazy .. it was my first time , experiencing such anger .. the ones that you feel that everybody deserves a beating , the ones you feel like smashing things , the ones you start hurting yourself ..
sudden sadness , sudden anger .. felt like I was somehow sinking into depression ..
I became quite scared of myself and worried too ..
I didn't like feeling angry all the time out of nowhere , for no particular reason or just over some trivial matters ..
I remember a few incidents when I got really angry ..
once when my mummy said the shampoo was exp. and didn't want to buy for me ..
I got so fed up suddenly and felt like smashing the things in the shop , I had to walk out of the shop quickly to stop myself from making a mess at the shop ..
another time was when there was this guy who kept looking at me and I felt like taking the chair and throw it at him.
then there were many times with my boyf when I got angry and I swept my phone and it flew some distance away .. and times when he saw me hurting myself ..
I don't know what caused me to be so angry .. I wasn't like this in the past ..
I found myself scary and felt that I was really going crazy ..
it was the first time I really resorted to hurting myself whenever I'm angry ..
I borrowed a few books from the library and am currently ' stabilised ' ..
I guess it was just cos' of the stress I was facing ? maybe also cos' of the environment I grew up in ..
but I really hope I won't bring my anger with me in to the future .. I don't like it when I'm so angry for no good reason ..
there was a period of time when I started to think a lot ..
got quite paranoid and even started to dislike ppl who always take me for granted ..
I started to stay away from those ppl .. I started to lose patience ..
I felt like I was always the one waiting .. I felt like I was always the one giving in ..
I used to be able to wait for more than an hour for someone .. but now if I have waited for 5mins and the person haven't turn up , I start to feel frustrated ..
I really want the old me back .. the one who has lots of patience .. not the one who cares too much though ..
I've learnt my lesson ..
but I am really scared ppl will take me for granted and get hurt again ..
I really want to sort out my thinking , but I don't know where to start ..
it feels like those things I was once troubled about are no longer important now ..
maybe they're really not that important anymore .. feels like I've lost faith in the entire world ..
I don't know how to trust .. I am always feeling insecure ..
what happened to me ?
I got to get over unhappy things .. got to build back faith .. got to learn to trust ..
I know I'm not doing this alone .. I know there are ppl who are supporting me ..
pls be patient with me ..
I hope when ppl meet me , they'll be punctual :) I'll appreciate that :)
get up whenever you fall !
