heys ! it's been a long time since I last blogged and today is the 2nd last day of holiday ! school's resuming on next Monday and not sure if I'm looking forward to it .
but it's better than just going out everyday and spending even more money .
I guess my 2-week holiday have been ok for me , done my assignments but for my personal stuffs , I guess I need to put in more effort to control my thoughts and emotions .
recently a lot of thoughts are running through my mind and a few of my friends are upset .
I guess I'm trying to find myself back , someone who would listen even if she has her own problems , someone who would advice even if she feels helpless herself , someone who would be there to stay and comfort and support no matter what . someone who is patient , understanding and good-tempered . someone who is mentally strong and doesn't think of suicide as a way to resolve problems . someone who can really feel and appreciate the love , care and concern , support and encouragement her boyfriend provides .
I asked myself recently , ' why are you acting strong , acting like nothing's wrong and still trying to comfort your friends and be there when you're alrd having so much troubles yourself ? ' .
I supposed I'm just trying to find myself back and also in the process of being there for somebody else , become stronger .
but the reality is , I don't really feel happy at all .
a rollercoaster can be used to describe my emotions , up and down and making me so exhausted and sometimes , I just want to unbuckle myself from the seat and let myself fall to death .
I'm halfway near giving up , I've had enough of being strong yet I'm still holding on , I'm still hoping that things would turn out better for everything that's a problem in my life now .
I really have no idea when I'll ever be ok .. problems just seem endless .
a lot has happened in this one year , I really don't know when is the exact date since I became so down .
was it really last year , or was it the last day of 2010 ?
I don't know if the ans. is important or not , cos' I really just want to feel ok again , I really want to smile genuinely every single time I smile .
I allowed myself to fall into this state by not handling things properly , by not caring about my own feelings .
I caused this myself and I will put an end to it , some way or another . I will .
I don't want to live my life like that , it's so meaningless and tiring .
quite a no. of ppl have asked me why I am still able to put on a smile like nothing's wrong even after something happened .
I don't really know why also , probably it's a habit of faking a smile ? probably I think smiling is better than frowning ?
I've gotten over that friendship , I've deleted all the photos in my fb acc. just this morning .
though some albums took me a longer time to decide , but I still deleted it cos' it's not worth keeping at all .
all that , shall become the past .
and I am satisfied with what I have now :)
I know very clearly who are the ppl who have always been there for me and I know who truly cared all along .
